What (Not) To Do In A Space Hospital
by MayFairy
Summary: The Doctor takes Quill to a space hospital to have her baby. While she's in surgery, and her girlfriend (the Coal Hill maths teacher) waits anxiously outside, the five teenagers explore the space hospital, with... varying results.


**This is a oneshot set in the same universe as (well, set _during_ chapter 42 of) my multichapter Quill/OC fic _The Unstoppable Force and the Sometimes Movable Object_. **

**You don't need to have read that story to read this one, all you need to know is that Quill is dating the Coal Hill maths teacher.**

* * *

It turns out that even in a space hospital, after hanging out in a waiting room for half an hour, debating whether to start conversations with some of the interesting looking aliens also occupying said waiting room, and ultimately chickening out, it is possible to get bored.

It's not exactly a conventional first day of Christmas holidays. Firstly, they're at a space hospital. Secondly, Quill is sedated and headed into surgery, and is either going to emerge dead or a mother - two prospects which are almost equally terrifying. The Doctor is either about to oversee the surgery or properly help out (they're fuzzy on the details), and their maths teacher is every part the worried girlfriend, past the panic attack about the possibility of Quill not surviving the surgery and now just sitting in the waiting area, staring at the wall opposite while the Doctor hovers, evidently wondering whether he should try and speak to her.

After the initial half an hour of waiting while Quill had consulted with a proper alien surgeon, and about ten minutes after she had been sedated and taken into surgery, the teenagers are getting restless.

"Miss, will you be alright on your own if we go for a bit of a walk?" Ram asks Miss Jacobs. (They all know her name is Kalei. But she's their maths teacher, so it's difficult to think of her as anything but Miss Jacobs.)

"What am I? A particularly Scottish decorative lamp?" The Doctor asks indignantly. The others stare at him for a moment, not quite knowing how to respond.

"I mean, but you're going in the surgery in a minute, right?" Tanya asks. "So we _are_ leaving her on her own."

"I'll be fine," Miss Jacobs says. "I'm not going to be any fun to be around until she's out of the surgery and conscious, don't let me spoil your chance to see what a space hospital is like."

"It's not that we aren't worried about Quill," Tanya tells her, awkwardly. "It's actually _because_ I'm worried about Quill that I want to go and look at space hospital stuff. You know. To take my mind off it."

"Please, like some baby is gonna take her down," Ram scoffs. "She's _Quill_. She's going to be fine."

Charlie, despite looking a bit uncertain, nods. "She's in safe hands, medically speaking. Her people never had much medical technology; it's no wonder they died in childbirth. Besides, it was part of their tradition, so they never would have even tried to save the mothers. I doubt she's in much danger."

"I hope you're right, Charlie," Miss Jacobs says, with a rather forced smile. "But you guys go and have fun." Something stronger flashes through her eyes - something they recognise from maths class. "But _stay out of trouble_."

They laugh at that and assure her that they will. After scrolling down the corridor for a while, taking in the various aliens and humanoids they pass with interest, they come to a stop in front of a sign, and take in the various places around the hospital listed.

"Oh, look, there's a garden," Charlie says brightly.

"Boring," Ram replies, and Tanya voices her agreement. "Though I should have known that your idea of exciting in a space hospital would be space flowers."

"Flowers are very nice," Matteusz says defensively. "And we will go and see them, with or without you."

Ram lifts an eyebrow. "Alright then, you do that."

With that, Charlie and Matteusz head off in the direction the sign says the garden in, hand in hand. The other three watch them go before turning their attention back to the sign.

* * *

The garden is _amazing_. It's on the eighteenth floor, and takes up an entire half of that floor, with three of the four walls being made of glass so as to let in the natural light. Which is currently moonlight, since it seems to be night on this planet. Whichever planet that might actually be. The Doctor hadn't been very specific.

Matteusz has always rather liked flowers, even with the whole killer flower petal incident taken into account. These plants blow anything he's ever seen out of the water.

Some are huge, stretching metres up into the air until they reach the glass ceiling, while others glow in the dim light. Some of the colours are ones that Matteusz is fairly sure he's never seen before - at least not in nature.

"This is… amazing," Charlie breathes.

"It is beautiful," Matteusz agrees.

"It… reminds me of home."

Matteusz squeezes his hand supportively, and when he looks over at Charlie, he is briefly taken aback at how beautiful Charlie looks, illuminated by the light of some nearby luminescent purple flowers.

"What?" Charlie asks.

Matteusz smiles. "I am just glad. To be here, looking at alien flowers, with you."

With that he kisses Charlie, softly, and Charlie eagerly kisses him back.

* * *

While scouring the sign for potential interesting options, Ram's eyes lock onto the section of the sign that reads 'cafeteria'. The moment he reads and comprehends the word, his stomach rumbles.

"Is… anyone else really hungry, all of a sudden?" He asks. "Do you reckon futuristic space food is any good?"

"I dunno," Tanya says dubiously, still focused on something on the sign, but eventually looking at him and giving him a little shrug. "But there's only one way to find out, right?"

Ram grins and loops his arm around her shoulders while his other hand grips April's, and the three of them set off in the direction of the cafeteria.

The cafeteria is huge, easily three times the size of a football field, and covered in tables of varying shapes and sizes, to accommodate the various aliens of different heights, weights, and shapes that are currently eating. Over half are in hospital garb, and clearly patients, but there are plenty scattered around in what appeared to be regular clothes, so the teenagers don't feel particularly out of place.

They cross the room and find the various foods laid out behind the counters - all tended to by members of a bulky, grey skinned race with heads a bit like elephants. It isn't until they see the prices listed by some of the items that Ram's heart sinks.

"Wait, we don't have any cash," he says. "I don't reckon they take pounds."

"The caf is free," one of the people behind the counter says helpfully, pointing in the direction of a machine dispensing drinks.

"Oh, well, that's something, I guess," Ram says, still rather disappointed.

Tanya's eyes light up. "No, don't worry, I'll sort it," she says, with a mischievous grin that immediately sets of warning bells in Ram's brain, specifically the Protect Tanya section.

"Tanya, no, what are you doing-"

"Don't worry, Ram," she says, almost patronisingly. "I've got this. You just - look, I bet Miss Jacobs could really use some coffee right now, and that caf stuff sounds like the spacey equivalent. So why don't you two take her some, and I'll meet you guys back here in a bit, yeah?"

She's gone before Ram can argue with her, and April's squeezing of his hand prevents him from going after her.

"She'll be fine, Ram," April tells him, smiling. "And she's right about Miss Jacobs, we should definitely bring her some of this caf coffee stuff."

"Fine," Ram sighs.

Once they have drinks for themselves as well as their teacher, they head back to the surgical waiting area, and Miss Jacobs' eyes light up when she sees them. Given that Miss Jacobs and Miss Quill initially bonded over coffee, as far as Ram knows, it was always going to be a safe bet for cheering their maths teacher up.

* * *

 **King of Faces:** _where are you?_

 **King of Faces:** _Tanya seriously_

 **Ridiculous Nerd:** _dw Ram I'm fine, I'll see you guys soon, and you're gonna be sooooo impressed, I'm being so badass rn_

 **King of Faces:** _Tanya! What are you doing?_

"She's not replying anymore," Ram tells April as they walk through the corridors near the cafeteria, hoping Tanya will materialise but becoming ever more sure she won't.

"I'm sure she's fine, Ram," April says, grinning. "This is Tanya we're talking about, she's got more sense than any of us, mostly."

"Yeah, _mostly_."

April takes his face in her hands and she kisses him before pulling back and biting her lip mischievously. "Look, she's going to be a while, probably. I could… help you take your mind off it?"

Ram's eyebrows lift. "Are you _seriously_ suggesting we go and, what, make out in a supply cupboard somewhere? Could you get any more clichéd than that?"

"Well, I mean, I was thinking we could get a little further than that, but if you don't want to…"

"Hey, I never said that," Ram says quickly.

April grins, grabs his hand, and pulls him off down the corridor.

* * *

Matteusz has never been more grateful for the existence of a tree in his entire life. It's a strange tree, with large pink leaves and an entirely smooth trunk, but the trunk is solid and thick and perfect for being pressed against by cute boys.

So, basically, Matteusz is thinking - as Charlie's lips move along his neck - that he owes the gardener a serious thank you note.

Matteusz could probably be content to just kiss Charlie for the rest of his life, but he definitely likes the other things too. Sex. The stuff that comes before sex, like this, the hard kissing and grinding and gripping of each other's hips.

Charlie has a penchant for taking charge with this sort of thing - it's the royal in him, Matteusz is fairly sure - and he is completely alright with that. Charlie is much stronger than he looks. It turns Matteusz to jelly, every time.

"Ahem."

The boys break apart to see a very unimpressed security officer standing there with some kind of torch in his hand.

"Um," Matteusz says, feeling his cheeks burning. "hello."

"Nice evening, isn't it?" Charlie asks, with forced cheer.

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Miss Adeola?"

Tanya grins at the dealer across the poker table, and leans back in her chair. "Yes, I'm sure. But you're sweet for checking."

Her opponents, various species of the same brand of stale middle-aged businessmen (as far as she can tell, anyway), eye her warily. The game had started with scepticism and scoffing, but she's been ahead in the game for long enough now that they're not remotely happy with how things are turning out.

There's a large stack of chips near her right hand. She has no idea how much money it translates to as far as she understands it, but judging by the sour looks on the alien faces around her - or at least she thinks that's the correct read of the situation, some of these faces aren't humanoid at all - it's rather a _lot_.

She's tried calling Ram to brag about her poker prowess, but after all his annoying texting, he won't pick up now. Figures.

"What could you be doing that's more more important than hearing about me being the queen of space poker?" She mutters under her breath.

* * *

"Oh my god, of course _now_ she tries to call me."

April snatches the phone out of Ram's hand and puts it on a nearby shelf. "Ram, can we _not_ think about Tanya right now? We're sort of in the middle of something."

Ram makes a face to make it clear that, yes, she's definitely right about that. She kisses him, deeply, grinning against his lips, while her hand, further down his body, does something that should probably be illegal.

He's not quite sure where her shirt ended up, but that's a problem for later, because her cute white lace bra is very distracting and absolutely one of his favourite sights.

"Are we seriously doing this right now?" Ram asks.

April just grins again, and with kisses down his chest - his shirt gaping open, unbuttoned - makes it very clear that yes, they are doing this. It turns out that... girlfriend being super eager when it comes to sex? Super hot. God bless feminism.

A while later, when endorphins are flooding his system and he is busy thinking that he definitely has the best girlfriend in the universe, Ram drops to his knees - with only a little difficulty on the part of his legs - and returns the favour.

Worshipping April in every way possible is something he'd be happy to spend his whole life doing, and the feeling of April's fingers in his hair might just be one of this favourite sensations, ever.

* * *

Miss Jacobs, unsurprisingly, is not too thrilled when the security officer brings a very embarrassed Charlie and Matteusz to her and informs her of their transgression in the garden. One of her eyebrows is practically in her hairline, at least until she rapidly takes on a more apologetic manner.

"I'm so sorry, officer," she says, "it's just… their guardian, my girlfriend, is in surgery right now. We're all just… worried and coping in our own ways."

The security officer still looks vastly unimpressed, but reluctantly nods. "Just… please help them refrain from almost defacing valuable hospital property. The garden is one of our pride and joys, here."

Miss Jacobs mouths 'the garden?' at the boys incredulously the moment that the security officer turns around and heads off.

Matteusz tries to look apologetic. "The flowers were glowing and… made Charlie look very nice. We got a little… carried away." To his surprise, Miss Jacobs starts giggling. He wonders if the stress of this whole situation has gotten to her a bit.

"Well, if you're looking for a scolding, you're not going to get it." She shakes her head, eyes twinkling. "That's not to say that I approve, though."

Matteusz shares a relieved, surprised look with his boyfriend.

Miss Jacobs sighs good-naturedly. "Look, can you go and find Ram and April, and make sure they've found Tanya? I'd prefer to know that we know where everyone is."

"Of course."

* * *

"I'm sorry, you're _where_?"

Ram is sure he must have heard Tanya wrong. But no, she insists that she's telling the truth and not joking. So after running into Charlie and Matteusz on their way to Tanya, they continue following the signs to the casino until they barge into the room to find Tanya reclining at a table near the middle of the room, watching an androgynous alien with blue mandibles count a substantial pile of poker chips.

"Hey, took you lot long enough," Tanya says with a grin when she sees them. "What have you been doing, then? Whatever it was, I bet it wasn't as awesome as what I've just pulled off."

Ram notices a small group of aliens in suits by what looks to be a bar, glancing back at them - at Tanya specifically - with what look like scowls (though on some alien faces it can be hard to tell).

"What have you done?" April asks, with the beginnings of a laugh.

"I think I just cleaned out the pockets of all those guys over there," Tanya says proudly, pointing to the group by the bar. "And I think they were well rich."

"That is… seriously impressive," Ram says.

"How did you get into this casino?" April asks, frowning, crossing her arms.

"Yeah, seriously, who lets a fourteen year old into a casino?" Ram glances at the alien counting Tanya's chips, but they only give Tanya a curious glance, and when she shrugs, so do they, and they go back to counting. "Also, where'd you get the money to start?"

"I told them I had three weeks to live, and wanted to try a proper game of poker," Tanya laughs. "They took pity on me and give me a bit of starter cash. They regretted that."

"Oh my god," April says, a little horrified but also impressed.

"More importantly, perhaps… why is a hospital having a casino in the first place?" Matteusz asks. "It is very odd."

"Even sick people like to gamble, sir," the blue alien tells him. "Plenty of patients are more than healthy and wealthy enough to make good use of this establishment, as you can see."

Sure enough, when they take a proper look around, the room is over half full. Some of those in chairs have attached medical apparatus, but most seem fairly self-sufficient.

"Huh," Matteusz says.

"I'm confused," Charlie says, with his usual uncomprehending frown. "What's a casino, exactly?"

* * *

With Tanya's winnings, they are able to completely feast themselves at the cafeteria. They'd tried asking Miss Jacobs if she wanted to come, but that conversation had… not quite gone well.

"You what?!" She had asked Tanya, eyes wide and panicked.

"I…. cleaned out a bunch of alien businessmen at poker," Tanya had said proudly. "And now, I'm rich with weird alien money. So, come and get food with us. My treat."

"Tanya Adeola, I cannot condone that," Miss Jacobs had said, voice stern, but her fiddling with her glasses giving away her nerves, "give that money back, now."

"No, I won it fair and square," Tanya had retorted.

"Tanya-"

"Well, I did!"

"How did you even get into a casino? You're a minor! What kind of crappy hospital security cracks down on teenagers making out in gardens but not minors gambling?!"

Tanya had glanced curiously at her friends at the remark about the gardens, only for Ram shrug helplessly and shove his thumb in the direction of Charlie and Matteusz, who had had the decency to look embarrassed.

So now they sit, sans maths teacher, at one of the many humanoid sized tables in the cafeteria, gorging themselves on the huge selection of food available.

It's a complete lottery. There's normal human food like roast beef and vegetables, and quesadillas, and also little bricks of food that _taste_ like any kind of food they could possibly want, but have the consistency of chewing gum. They'd also gotten a hot chip flavoured smoothie to try.

"This was a mistake," Ram moans, resisting the urge to spit it out when he tries it. "Chips should never, ever, be in liquid form. Not even hot."

There's also the various alien foods to try - the ones they had verified with those behind the counter were safe for human consumption. The strange tendrils of purple jelly stuff had turned out to be surprisingly good, apparently a sort of seaweed from an ocean planet. Matteusz in particular took to it, and is now happily eating out of it with his fingers, much to Charlie's disgust (the prince has more refined taste than seaweed, apparently).

They've just started debating what Miss Jacobs might want them to bring back for her, when April's phone goes off.

 **Nice Is Not Weak:** _Quill's out of surgery, her and baby ok :)_

 **All Heart:** _ahhhh we'll be there ASAP!_

They decide to just grab what they've got leftover in the way of food and take it with them as they dash back towards the surgical waiting area.

As they walk, there's a new, lighter feeling to it all. They had struggled to admit or accept how worried they had been about Quill - probably because her being civil to them is still a recent, slow moving development - but the relief they're feeling now, knowing that she and her child are okay, says a lot.

"Is anyone else going to be really disappointed when Quill gives this kid an actual name and we can't just call it Quilliam anymore?" Tanya asks.

"I'm still calling it Quilliam," Ram says.

Matteusz frowns. "Quill will probably threaten you if she is present to hear it. Possibly with chair leg."

"Let her try. I'm not afraid of her."

April snorts. "Okay, that is so not true."

"Shut up, April."

"So, Quilliam, then? No matter what?"

"Quilliam. No matter what."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought!**


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